Bullet Proof Hologram and Plastic People

I crumpled into a ball, gasping for air, unsure of what had just taken place.  Inside my body, explosions were still going off.  Years of explosions.  Maybe even decades of explosions that were laying dormant. Words.  Instant snap shot photos of moments.  More words.  More pictures.  I couldn't stop them.  I couldn't control them.  I was a prisoner in my own reality.   I continued to shake while a waterfall expelled from my heart through my eyes. Minutes gave way to hours and still I could not silence and calm my mind.

I did not see it coming.  I should have, but my own self-deception had blinded me.  My eternal optimism and tenacious propensity not to give up had made it impossible to see the reality in front of me.  Maybe even to acknowledge that there was a different way to process all of this.  Maybe even to surrender control and step away from what this world expected and who people thought I was. 

Like a race car running the Indy 500, my mind was circling.  Questions peppered my consciousness as I lay in a tight cocoon, behind my bedroom doors. Why now?  What was wrong with me?  

For years, I had been content and even happy to live as a bullet proof hologram.  Isn't that what I was suppose to be. Polished persona.  Not easily ruffled by life's bumps and bruises. Able to take the hits and keep going. Like a rock hitting a fragile pane of glass. The events of the last forty five minutes, hit my fragile heart. Tonight, the hologram of "Plastic Me" shattered into a million shards.  

It is now a few weeks past this.  Yes, I did survive. In fact, you might even be surprised to hear me say that this has been one of the best things that has happened to me in the last decade.  The hologram of "Me" shattered, but out of this has been born a real, authentic person who is loved by the Creator Himself.  I think I now understand how the Velveteen Rabbit felt.  I have been loved to life by my creator. I am no longer a plastic person, with Kevlar.

I am sure that as I live each day without the Kevlar and in my new "skin" I will continue to enjoy the aliveness that I now feel.  

Until we Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl