Exposed!

Rain pellets my face as I slosh my way across the camp.  It is cold, penetrating, and just plain nasty.   I use my braille skills to find my way to my assigned cabin. The darkness of this intensely uninviting night is making me have second thoughts about what I have agreed to.  My cabin mates are already tucked in and asleep.  Feeling optionless, I drop my coat on a chair and slide into my sleeping bag.  

Sleep is no where near.  I have a funny feeling that it is not planning to visit me either.  1:45 AM, my eyes refuse to close.  2:55 AM, I am still staring at the ceiling, counting the boards and wondering if any spiders are planning to descend on me.  My mind is as blank as an old black chalkboard in July.  4:17 AM I am trying to remember my outline.  5:30 AM the panic is starting to rise in my heart.  I am expected to speak to these ladies in just a few hours.  I have done my homework.  I have prepared, but I am blank.  6:40 AM I give up and unzip the sleeping and slide into my clothes.  There will not be any shower this morning.  Daylight is just starting to peek in.  

9:30 AM the women are gathering.  My heart  pleads with the Lord to use these moments for His purposes.  All I have to offer are my simple words that form my story.  The story of His grace and mercy generously poured out on me, a sinner. It will require exposure.  It will require authenticity. 

I stand alone in the starkness of the camp bathroom stall.  Whispering my worship, I am aware that He is standing here with me.   I am not alone.  I surrender my words and ask Him to use them for His purposes. Finishing up my private moments with my Abba, I deeply inhale and feel the moist frozen air rushing in from a cracked window.  Suddenly, my feet are moving in a slow cadence to where my story will now be told.  My audience will be these unknown fellow sojourners. 

Taking my place at the front, I turn my face toward these precious ladies. I slowly rotate my gaze from face-to-face, pausing to study their eyes. My heart is taken with the vastness of their pain and feelings of loneliness.  I silently ask the Lord to allow my heart to be exposed, knowing that my flesh WILL be uncomfortable.  

I hear the words gathering in my heart, the Lord is precisely piecing them together to be released for these daughters of His.  I barely glance at my outline and invite them to enter into prayer with me.  

I speak of my journey.  I speak of my shattered dreams.  I speak of the dark abyss.  I am vaguely aware of the clear liquid sliding down my checks. I continue.  My eyes are looking deep into their hearts and seeing their struggle; their pain; their need to surrender control and lay it at His feet. Their need to know that they are not alone.  Their need to experience His love and grace.  I speak of His amazing love poured out on me in my darkest hours.  I speak of learning how to stay facing Him when everything else is shattered.  I hear my voice, and know that these moments are sacred.  I see one sojourner silently  overcome with the realization of just how much she is loved by her creator. I observe another one take her neighbor's hand and wipe the tears that are cascading.  One gentle soul rises to hand me a tissue.  I am grateful.  An hour has elapsed. I know that my Father has woven our hearts together and brought hope, healing, and  His light.

If your heart is broken and you find yourself in the darkest abyss, just whisper His name.  He is there. Put your hands out and call out to Him.  He is waiting for you to surrender.  Then, promise me that you will call another sojourner and ask them to walk with you.  It is okay to be authentic and real. Life is hard and messy.  We are called to love each other and walk with each other through life.

Here is my hand, please take it.  I would love to pray for you.  If you prefer not to share in a public format, please e-mail me at: theplankeyedgirl@gmail.com

Until We Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl
  

Roses, Daisies, and .... Sea Kelp?

"She with strong, gentle hands", pauses and carefully yet purposefully, poses a question, "What flower are you?" She does not wait long to tell me of others and their flower choice.  In excellent, vivid detail, she describes the characteristics of roses - fragrant, fragile, and prickly; daisies - bendable, open, and strong; tulips - colorful; temperamental; and closed.  I lay there as she continues working on my neck. I savor these moments!  Time seems to silently slip by.  

Hearing her slow steadily inhale, I wait for what will come next.  Peaceful nothingness fills the room.  Like a new mom, carefully holding her new offspring, "She with strong, gentle hands" carefully allows the words to softly glide from her lips, "You are a piece of Sea Kelp."  

A cozy, odd silence fills the room.  Inside my soul a giggle is about to bubble up and out.  In all my days, I would've NEVER thought of myself as a piece of sea kelp. A mermaid....possibly, but....sea kelp?   Allowing this statement to hang in the air, I close my eyes and swirl this image around in my head.  Hum...Sea Kelp.  "She with strong, gentle hands" says nothing else.  Vivid images of slimy, green upside down vines, swaying with the push and pull of the waves dances across my minds eye. A skittering thought interrupts these images and a smirk crawls across my face.  I have always loved the feeling of being encased by water.  Some beings panic at this feeling.  For moi, it is an instant sense of peace and exhilaration.  Hum....but, "sea kelp"?

Slowly, methodically, I mentally swim to the surface and in a whisper mutter, "Why sea kelp?" With a soft smile and dancing eyes "She with strong, gentle hands" says, "It is a good thing."  I am perplexed.  Clearly, this was not on my radar.  

More quietness. She faintly releases the words - whimsical, free-flowing, strong, anchored, shelter, nourishing. I say nothing but allow my eyes to slid shut.   He is speaking to my heart.  

Often He surprises me.  Who would've thought...."Sea Kelp".  I LOVE how well He knows me.  He had to put me on a massage table, in a dimly lit room, with only a blanket, get me to hear His loving words to me - You are MY "Sea Kelp".  

As you journey through this gift of today, consider stopping and being still for five minutes.  Take a breath that fills your entire being with the sweetness of atmosphere and listen for His voice calling you by name.

Until we Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl

Bullet Proof Hologram and Plastic People

I crumpled into a ball, gasping for air, unsure of what had just taken place.  Inside my body, explosions were still going off.  Years of explosions.  Maybe even decades of explosions that were laying dormant. Words.  Instant snap shot photos of moments.  More words.  More pictures.  I couldn't stop them.  I couldn't control them.  I was a prisoner in my own reality.   I continued to shake while a waterfall expelled from my heart through my eyes. Minutes gave way to hours and still I could not silence and calm my mind.

I did not see it coming.  I should have, but my own self-deception had blinded me.  My eternal optimism and tenacious propensity not to give up had made it impossible to see the reality in front of me.  Maybe even to acknowledge that there was a different way to process all of this.  Maybe even to surrender control and step away from what this world expected and who people thought I was. 

Like a race car running the Indy 500, my mind was circling.  Questions peppered my consciousness as I lay in a tight cocoon, behind my bedroom doors. Why now?  What was wrong with me?  

For years, I had been content and even happy to live as a bullet proof hologram.  Isn't that what I was suppose to be. Polished persona.  Not easily ruffled by life's bumps and bruises. Able to take the hits and keep going. Like a rock hitting a fragile pane of glass. The events of the last forty five minutes, hit my fragile heart. Tonight, the hologram of "Plastic Me" shattered into a million shards.  

It is now a few weeks past this.  Yes, I did survive. In fact, you might even be surprised to hear me say that this has been one of the best things that has happened to me in the last decade.  The hologram of "Me" shattered, but out of this has been born a real, authentic person who is loved by the Creator Himself.  I think I now understand how the Velveteen Rabbit felt.  I have been loved to life by my creator. I am no longer a plastic person, with Kevlar.

I am sure that as I live each day without the Kevlar and in my new "skin" I will continue to enjoy the aliveness that I now feel.  

Until we Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl

Unexpected Moments

Darkness was just starting to lay itself gently on the earth.  Like a soft blanket being wrapped around a young child, the blackness folded itself snugly around me.  The unexpected warmth of this February day still radiated up from the asphalt. I sauntered down the middle of the street absorbed in the sweetness of these treasured moments. 

A frantic plump robin caught my attention.  I paused to just observe and enjoy this delicate creature.  

She appeared to be so heavy with egg that she could no longer take flight but instead bounced from tender limb to limb.  Her sweet voice floating out from her belly declaring the day to be over.  As silence fell, she settled into the protection of her nest 

Still, I stood.  Like an expectant child, awaiting a promised, but unknown surprise.  

With only slight eye movement, my eyes silently slid down the branch of this slowly awakening tree. In simultaneous motion, they came to  halt on yet another gift.  Straining, I realized that this barren tree was quite pregnant with intricate deep pink buds.

Soon this naked tree would be fully awakened and dressed in a spectacular coat of variegated pink flowers.  Each one filled with the fragrance and promise of Spring.  

But, still I stood.  Like an oddly placed forgotten statue.

Breaking my trance-like state, I slowly and purposefully inhaled allowing the dew saturated air to fill my under-exposed lungs.  Allowing my eyes to land at the base of this amazing creation, I gazed at a small patch of

lime green leaves poking up from the Winter hardened ground. They seemed to be proclaiming the upcoming arrival a variety of Spring flowers.

An awareness of  time suddenly interrupted these sacred moments and I continued on my stroll. Rounding the corner, something glistened in my path.

I paused and bent to examine it.  It is a copper cylinder worth nothing by today's standards, but nonetheless I couldn't help but smile as I continued on my walk.

Tonight I realize that throughout my life, I have missed much because I have not stopped to enjoy the journey and all the precious moments of each day.  May I not forget these precious moments and gifts as I journey forward.  

Until we Chat Again,

The Plank-Eyed Girl

  

Voices!

The night was as black as tar.  My body was sufficiently wrapped in layers like a securely wrapped chrysalis.  Warmth freely radiated out from my fragile body.  Thank goodness, it was trapped in these efficient layers of soft cloth.  The crisp coldness danced and swirled around me.  As I strolled around our loop, my eyes took in the many dwellings.  Some softly lit and others as dark as night.  

Breathing deeply, I was oddly aware that I was missing something.  Something so delicate and precious, I would need to strain to hear it.  Like a new mother on high alert, I removed my ear buds and kept walking.  On this night, I needed to clearly hear whatever it was.  My heart was in serious need of direction and my mind was searching for a nugget of truth to grasp hold of.  

Four miles later, I returned to my cozy, yellow cottage adorned with white Christmas lights in the window.  Plopping down in the chair at my electronic connection to the world, I placed a CD in the drive, closed my eyes and listened.  Instantly, I knew this what what I had been so focused on hearing.  The previous hour spent walking had been in preparation for these fresh tender words that were now being poured out so gingerly with grace from my sweet friend of 35 years.  Even if I had not understood the meaning of these words, just the sound of her voice would have brought much needed refreshment and life to my soul.  As these words twirled their way through my ear canals and into the recesses of my mind, they seemed to be on a mission.  Refusing to move, I simply sat and let them pour over me.  The cadence of her familiar voice reassured me that I was not alone.

I had to wonder if this is how my Father feels when I call to Him.  Does it move His heart the way hearing my friend's voice moved and comforted mine?  Does He pause and strain to hear my individual voice call out to Him in worship?  Does my voice make Him yearn for my company? 

As I continued sitting there, clear glisteny tears trickled down my puffy cheeks.  I did not wipe them away, but let them collect in a puddle on the desk. I embraced each word and phrase, that was spoken and allowed them to sink all the way in. They located and knit together with other words that were spoken earlier in the week. You see, it had been an extremely difficult six weeks in almost every aspect of my life, but these words were bringing into focus some of the issues.  Truly they were a gift.

Tonight, I am grateful for the gift of hearing and friends who speak sweet, life-giving truth.  May this Plank-Eyed Girl not forget the depth and beauty of these gifts.  My prayer for you is that your ears be tuned to His gentle voice and the friends who love you and speak truth.

Until We Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl

Total Awkwardness!

Total Awkwardness!

I am 51 years old.  By this time in life, I should be a little better at not saying or doing super awkward things.  However, I am beginning to think that this is just how I am made.  

So, here's the most recent episode.  Standing in Starbucks waiting for my order, my pastor walks toward me.  I smile.  He hugs me.  Let's just say that I a super short compared to him.   In fact, I am so short that I fit under his armpit.  I return the hug and out of my mouth pops, "Man, every time I hug you, I realize just how tall you really are!YOU are super tall!"(I wasn't exactly using my "quiet voice".)  He just walks away.  He doesn't say anything and I just want to shrink down to the size of an ant and crawl into a dark hole.  AWKWARD!  Panic started to overtake me when I realized that there was only one way out.  So, taking a deep breath, I quickly tried to hatch an escape plan.  The only thing I could come up with was, trying to exit as others were coming in.  Hum...that might have worked except that no one was coming and he was just sitting there at a table near the door, only semi-engaged with his phone. Finally I just decided to walk toward the doors and hope for the best.  Just about the time I got to the door, I glanced sideways and we both mumbled "bye".  Awkward!!!   Why do I say things that create these awkward kinds of situations?  You know, if I didn't speak to groups of human beings all day long, of multiple ages and places in life, this might be understandable and even excusable.  But the reality is that I talk for a living, so I should be having these moments.  I do not like making others feel awkward.

I slid into my little black car and let out a very heavy sigh.  At first I was embarrassed.  But, then as I was driving back to school, I just started giggling.  I am a mess!  Sometimes I am awkward and that is just the way it is.  Good thing my Creator loves me and celebrates my awkwardness.  I bet He even giggles now and then at me.  

Next time, I hopefully will say something not so awkward, but if my track record proves accurate, I will probably have many more of these moments before I change locations.  Hopefully, my pastor also saw the humor in the moment and knows that it is not him.  It is just one of the sheep being a sheep..  

If I am with you, and I have one of these moments, please know that it is okay.  I mean no harm and sometimes things are just Awkward and a good giggle could change everything for both of us..  

Until we Chat Again,

The Plank-Eyed Girl

Waltzing, Worn-Wood Docks, and Belly Laughter

Waltzing, Worn-Wood Docks, and Belly Laughter

Today this Plank-Eyed Girl has lots of time for her mind to skip back over these last couple of weeks.  Thoughts are bouncing all over the planet, like hard falling raindrops bouncing off the pavement during a Kona tropical rainstorm.  They are whizzing, swooping, and darting like a

hummingbird on steroids.  So, so, so much to share.

My fleshly propensity is to be swept away by all the difficulties that have peppered my days this last couple of weeks.  I force my mind to look for moments of hope to settle on, for I know that these are bigger than my heartaches, disappointments, or changing in my path.

As my mind starts to settle, I come to the distinct awareness that there have been so many moments of beauty and delight a midst the gut wrenching hardness of life these last couple of weeks.  These moments are like the fragrant hibiscus after a tropical storm.  They are fresh and hopeful.  Here are just a few of them:

• A unexpected afternoon waltz with a sweet third grade boy in the middle of the library under the soft white Christmas lights to a classical piece of music which he seemed to know and love
• An extremely ADHD sixth grade young man, with a very winning smile and twinkling eyes who bolted into the library and blurted out, "How do I sign up writing club?  I am a writer!" (I had barely just put the sign up in the hall.)
• Standing on the wood-worn dock in a quaint, little town on the bay and gazing upon the stunning reflection of people that I love
• White Christmas lights on a shared fence of 23 years, with precious neighbors
• Being wrapped in the arms of a husband 
• Smiles on the faces of precious children as they race into the library to get the "best seats"
• Tapping on my office door, and precious little eyes dancing with delight as I wink at them
• Clear liquid frozen into soft, white, delicate flakes that silently descend to the earth.
• Hand penned notes from both new and aged friends
• Special packages from far off lands sent with tender thoughts 
• Jolly, contagious belly laughter of a small child seated next to me

Life has a way of being messy and reality sometimes bites.  However, taking some moments to savor and celebrate these life-giving moments is essential for this Plank-Eyed Girl.  What do you have to savor?  I would love to hear.  Please just send me a bulleted list with the place you reside.  

 I love how even in the midst of darkness, my Father has provided these precious, life-giving moments.  

I look forward to hearing some of yours.

Until we Chat Again,

The Plank-Eyed Girl