As I ended the call, there was a momentary realization of my own mortality. However, a numbness quickly proceeded to wash over my entire being. Like a tsunami, there was a brief moment of realization, and then a wall of numbness that crashed into me, leaving me having to will myself not to just be washed away. Is this how all victims feel? We all live knowing that our life on this planet is fragile. It is momentary at best. It can be extinguished by any number of events in the blink of an eye that we have no control over. We do not get to choose the number of days we live. Yet, for years I have lived as if I had a million more days. Wow! The audacity of me!
It has only been three hours since receiving that call. In honesty, I wanted to ignore it and pretend that it is NOT real. Maybe the nurse called my number by accident? Maybe the doctor read the wrong scans? Maybe further testing will prove that it is nothing? My mind is dancing like a dragonfly all over tarnation and my attempts to focus it even to pray seem futile. I have been on autopilot, even running some errands on my way home. The only thing I clearly know is that, NONE of this has surprised or escaped God. I will not be alone in this. He will walk with me all the way. He will surround me with His presence and orchestrate my journey. Whatever this bumpy and twisted road ahead of me may look like, He's got it and I trust Him.
As I finally drove home this afternoon, I paused to fully take in the stunning colors of the sun setting on this crisp Fall day. I ceased to be in a hurry. The silhouettes of the Olympics framing the bay were gorgeous. How could I have missed this and just not appreciated God's amazing artwork? The bite of the frigid air felt good. No longer did I want to complain about it and wish to be back in my tropical home. The tomato soup I stopped to eat held a scrumptious, tangy flavor that had escaped me before. All these normal things suddenly had become things to treasure. They spoke a comfort to my heart and certainly moved me from complacency to appreciation of the ordinary.
Hum....I have rewritten this following paragraph a couple times. When I started blogging, my goal was not just entertainment, but allowing others to walk with me and experience true authenticity. So, with that being said, I realize not everyone is interested in this medical journey. Therefore, please know that I will continue to write posts about a variety of things. I will flag the posts that have to do with this topic with an * so that if you would like to pass on it, you will have a heads up. No worries, life is complicated and I want to honor where my friends are at.
Until we Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl
P.S. I will not have any definitive answers until Monday, the 16th.
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