Total Awkwardness!

Total Awkwardness!

I am 51 years old.  By this time in life, I should be a little better at not saying or doing super awkward things.  However, I am beginning to think that this is just how I am made.  

So, here's the most recent episode.  Standing in Starbucks waiting for my order, my pastor walks toward me.  I smile.  He hugs me.  Let's just say that I a super short compared to him.   In fact, I am so short that I fit under his armpit.  I return the hug and out of my mouth pops, "Man, every time I hug you, I realize just how tall you really are!YOU are super tall!"(I wasn't exactly using my "quiet voice".)  He just walks away.  He doesn't say anything and I just want to shrink down to the size of an ant and crawl into a dark hole.  AWKWARD!  Panic started to overtake me when I realized that there was only one way out.  So, taking a deep breath, I quickly tried to hatch an escape plan.  The only thing I could come up with was, trying to exit as others were coming in.  Hum...that might have worked except that no one was coming and he was just sitting there at a table near the door, only semi-engaged with his phone. Finally I just decided to walk toward the doors and hope for the best.  Just about the time I got to the door, I glanced sideways and we both mumbled "bye".  Awkward!!!   Why do I say things that create these awkward kinds of situations?  You know, if I didn't speak to groups of human beings all day long, of multiple ages and places in life, this might be understandable and even excusable.  But the reality is that I talk for a living, so I should be having these moments.  I do not like making others feel awkward.

I slid into my little black car and let out a very heavy sigh.  At first I was embarrassed.  But, then as I was driving back to school, I just started giggling.  I am a mess!  Sometimes I am awkward and that is just the way it is.  Good thing my Creator loves me and celebrates my awkwardness.  I bet He even giggles now and then at me.  

Next time, I hopefully will say something not so awkward, but if my track record proves accurate, I will probably have many more of these moments before I change locations.  Hopefully, my pastor also saw the humor in the moment and knows that it is not him.  It is just one of the sheep being a sheep..  

If I am with you, and I have one of these moments, please know that it is okay.  I mean no harm and sometimes things are just Awkward and a good giggle could change everything for both of us..  

Until we Chat Again,

The Plank-Eyed Girl

Waltzing, Worn-Wood Docks, and Belly Laughter

Waltzing, Worn-Wood Docks, and Belly Laughter

Today this Plank-Eyed Girl has lots of time for her mind to skip back over these last couple of weeks.  Thoughts are bouncing all over the planet, like hard falling raindrops bouncing off the pavement during a Kona tropical rainstorm.  They are whizzing, swooping, and darting like a

hummingbird on steroids.  So, so, so much to share.

My fleshly propensity is to be swept away by all the difficulties that have peppered my days this last couple of weeks.  I force my mind to look for moments of hope to settle on, for I know that these are bigger than my heartaches, disappointments, or changing in my path.

As my mind starts to settle, I come to the distinct awareness that there have been so many moments of beauty and delight a midst the gut wrenching hardness of life these last couple of weeks.  These moments are like the fragrant hibiscus after a tropical storm.  They are fresh and hopeful.  Here are just a few of them:

• A unexpected afternoon waltz with a sweet third grade boy in the middle of the library under the soft white Christmas lights to a classical piece of music which he seemed to know and love
• An extremely ADHD sixth grade young man, with a very winning smile and twinkling eyes who bolted into the library and blurted out, "How do I sign up writing club?  I am a writer!" (I had barely just put the sign up in the hall.)
• Standing on the wood-worn dock in a quaint, little town on the bay and gazing upon the stunning reflection of people that I love
• White Christmas lights on a shared fence of 23 years, with precious neighbors
• Being wrapped in the arms of a husband 
• Smiles on the faces of precious children as they race into the library to get the "best seats"
• Tapping on my office door, and precious little eyes dancing with delight as I wink at them
• Clear liquid frozen into soft, white, delicate flakes that silently descend to the earth.
• Hand penned notes from both new and aged friends
• Special packages from far off lands sent with tender thoughts 
• Jolly, contagious belly laughter of a small child seated next to me

Life has a way of being messy and reality sometimes bites.  However, taking some moments to savor and celebrate these life-giving moments is essential for this Plank-Eyed Girl.  What do you have to savor?  I would love to hear.  Please just send me a bulleted list with the place you reside.  

 I love how even in the midst of darkness, my Father has provided these precious, life-giving moments.  

I look forward to hearing some of yours.

Until we Chat Again,

The Plank-Eyed Girl

Air Biscuits, Kindergartners, and Uncontrollable Giggles

They came skipping into the library.  Excited to be there.  I always anticipate their arrival.  But this morning was different, as they approached me one little guy wrapped his arms around me and with his big brown eyes looked up into mine and proclaimed, "I Love You!"  Next thing I knew, there was a spontaneous group hug with all twenty two of them. All order was gone.  Laughter was filling up the room and in all honesty, I didn't care. As things just started to settle down, one of them let out a loud "air biscuit" and uncontrollable giggles exploded through the crowd of five year olds and one fifty-one year old. Truly, the timing could not have been more perfect. Sometimes in life, you just need to let things unfold and savor the delightfulness of it.

Slowly, I came to consciousness this morning.  The rays of sun slipped in through the blinds and danced on my face.  What a precious welcome to this day! A stream of words began to weave themselves together as they floated through my head.  After all the events of yesterday, I found myself replaying this scene with my five year old friends over and over.  The laughter.  The innocence.  The abandonment.  The joy.  The spontaneity. What enjoyable, heart-filling moments!  

Continuing to lay, cocooned under my white down comforter, my thoughts seemed to slow down to a waltzing speed.  The waltzing tempo is just simply calmer and more satisfying to engage in.  I long for this tempo because it is sustainable and trackable.  In a waltz, I can feel the cadence of the my thoughts.  I can follow them from their origin. I can engage with them down different paths to a variety of conclusions.  The waltz makes it much easier to know what is truly going on in my head.  

As the sun continued penetrating the cold of the bedroom and sufficiently warmed my face, I became ultra aware that I was not dancing with these thoughts alone.  I was being observed by my maker.  He was watching, smiling, and listening.  I turned my face fully into the sun and whispered, "I Love You".  

May you take some moments to waltz with your maker today as you enjoy the gift of all this day will hold.

Until we Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl
  

   

*From Complacency to Appreciation

As I ended the call, there was a momentary realization of my own mortality.  However, a numbness quickly  proceeded to wash over my entire being.  Like a tsunami, there was a brief moment of realization, and then a wall of numbness that crashed into me, leaving me having to will myself not to just be washed away. Is this how all victims feel?   We all live  knowing that our life on this planet is fragile.  It is momentary at best.  It can be extinguished by any number of events in the blink of an eye that we have no control over. We do not get to choose the number of days we live. Yet, for years I have lived as if I had a  million more days.  Wow!  The audacity of me!  

It has only been three hours since receiving that call.  In honesty, I wanted to ignore it and pretend that it is NOT real.  Maybe the nurse called my number by accident?  Maybe the doctor read the wrong scans?  Maybe further testing will prove that it is nothing?  My mind is dancing like a dragonfly all over tarnation and my attempts to focus it even to pray seem futile. I have been on autopilot, even running some errands on my way home.  The only thing I clearly know is that, NONE of this has surprised or escaped God.  I will not be alone in this.  He will walk with me all the way.  He will surround me with His presence and orchestrate my journey.  Whatever this bumpy and twisted road ahead of me may look like, He's got it and I trust Him. 

As I finally drove home this afternoon, I paused to fully take in the stunning colors of the sun setting  on this crisp Fall day.  I ceased to be in a hurry.  The silhouettes of the Olympics framing the bay were gorgeous.  How could I have missed this and just not appreciated God's amazing artwork? The bite of the frigid air felt good.  No longer did I want to complain about it and wish to be back in my tropical home.  The tomato soup I stopped to eat held a scrumptious, tangy flavor that had  escaped me before.  All these normal things  suddenly had become things to treasure.    They spoke a comfort to my heart and certainly moved me from complacency to appreciation of the ordinary.  

Hum....I have rewritten this following paragraph a couple times.  When I started blogging, my goal was not just entertainment, but allowing others to walk with me and experience true authenticity.  So, with that being said, I realize not everyone is interested in this medical journey.  Therefore, please know that I will continue to write posts about a variety of things.  I will flag the posts that have to do with this  topic with an * so that if you would like to pass on it, you will have a heads up.  No worries, life is complicated and I want to honor where my friends are at.

Until we Chat Again,

The Plank-Eyed Girl

P.S. I will not have any definitive answers until Monday, the 16th.