To Be Known

Rain is pelleting  the windows, like a jackhammer breaking up resistant concrete, it attempts to break into the building and bring wetness.  Thank goodness, I find myself safely inside of this solid structure. I am like a butterfly inside of its cocoon. I am warm, dry, and safe.  It is the first day back after a two week break.  The young ones have not yet arrived and the library is silent.  

As I gaze out at the currently vacant room, I am grateful that soon it will be buzzing with young ones anxious to return their holiday reading and discover some new reads.

There will be contagious giggles; long hugs, and silly stories to share.  Each young one wanting my individual attention. Each young one wanting to share a piece of their life with me from these last two weeks and know that I have heard and will remember.  Each young one wanting to know that I "know" who they are.

I have momentarily perched on my two seater, burnt orange bench. Taking in some deep breaths and slowly exhaling,   I see her arrive. She is the "Small Delicate One".  

Her hand is securely tucked inside her father's strong, sculpted right hand. He is leading her and she is gawking around like a chicken on a leash.  They make their delivery to the circulation counter and then turn to leave.  As she exits through the doorway, our eyes momentarily meet.  It has been two long weeks. She is being guided along at a pace that does not suit her. As she is just about out of sight, her tiny, gentle voice sings out, "I LOVE YOU!" Three simple words delivered with the sincerity of a heart that is happy, full, and known. These precious, freely given words swirled through the air, like wind blown leaves and came to rest inside my heart.  This scene has played over and over, each time bringing that same sense of joy.

It is 9:00 and this day is quickly slipping away.   However, I am still sitting here with those three simple words pirouetting in and through my heart. I don't want to forget this.  I worry that if I go to bed, I won't remember this simple lesson.  Today those three simple words brought much needed heart inflation and joy to me.  I am not her mother. I am not even related, but I am one of her teachers and she is "known" by me. 

Maybe, I am more like these "Young Ones" than I realize.  This Plank-Eyed Girls wants to be "known".  I long to be "known"because to be "known" is to be loved.  Maybe, I haven't fully realized that He intricately knows me and therefore, He unconditionally loves me.   When I burst forth with those same three simple words, "I LOVE YOU!" directed toward my Creator, His heart soars with the same joy that I am currently savoring.

Tonight may you realize that the Creator of the universe "knows" you.  

Until We Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl

Psalms 139:13-16

13You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

15You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

16You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed.

My Personal Safe Brothel

Bolting upright, a lump lodged in my throat, unable to make it go down or to bring it back up, I steady myself and deeply inhale.  Why can't I make that scene from yesterday disappear?  It was captured a week ago and uploaded.  It is vivid.  It is stark.  It is unraveling in my mind.  Even though I was not there in India, the stench is burning itself into my nostrils.  The faces are covered by vibrantly colored cloth.   They are "taking a break" from their job in the brothels.

Mocha and Coffee colored hands extend in worship. Delicate voices swirl into a cacophony of harmonic proclamation of God's goodness.  Lord, "Why is it etched so deeply into my mind with indelible ink?"

Vaguely glancing at the clock, I find my feet moving toward the shower.  Darkness is still encompassing the place on this planet that I am standing on.  The chick-a-dees have not yet awoken to welcome the rest of earth's inhabitants. No one else is stirring in the neighborhood. In this moment, time has no reference, no hook on which to hang meaning.   This captured moment in time has penetrated my core and shaken my soul.  

Realizations explode like fireworks inside my head. Clean, pure, hot water flows over my bare, exposed body.   My skin cleansed, but my soul untouched and still trying to reorient itself from this swirling visual vortex.  Liquid hotter than the water from the showerhead is pouring from my heart through the slits of my eyes.  Thoughts are slowly turning, like fresh cream into pure butter, to words....words that I must share.  

These "prostitutes"  were likely sold as young girls to the owners due to their parents inability to care for them.  The parents sacrificed them to keep the rest of the family alive. Oh how each of their momma heart's must have broken as they watched their precious little girls leave for a life of sex slavery.  What a horrible choice to have to make as a parent!  A life of no return.  My mind is suddenly aware that these girls have done nothing wrong.  This is the only life they know.  Trapped by lack of funds, societal status, and no training, they continue day in and day out, hopeless to become anything different.  Yet, the photo that was on the screen, captures their pure passionate worship and love for Jesus (Sorry, I can't share it. It would put them at risk.).  In my head there is an uncomfortable dissonance between what I, in my American mind think of as a "prostitute" and THIS reality for these Indian girls. This is their regular work day.  They worship, pray and then return to servicing men for around $3 (USA) for 15 minutes. It is their "job".  They would give anything for a different life, but there are no options for them.

Watching these girls/women worship, I am undone at their passionate pursuit of God.  Their unconditional love for Him and their trust that God sees them, even though they are basically slaves, their hearts are free.  It forces me to ask myself, "Why then do I, who am physically free, find it so hard to obey God?" My heart is completely splayed open as He whispers the truth. "You like safe and comfortable." This revelation hit me like being thrown into the Pacific Ocean on a frigid Winter day.  I was simply stunned speechless.  The truth is though that "safe" and "comfortable" are destroying my soul.  They are my personal brothel.  Matthew 10:28 tells me not to fear things that can destroy my body, but to run from the things that can destroy my soul.  I need to run for my life from the comfortable, self-serving lifestyle which has lead to my complacency.  It is this lifestyle that is constantly put in front of me which is holding me captive. Jesus has called us, as His followers to be many things, but living "Safe" is not necessarily one of them.  

There is no easy answers to end this post with. So, I will say....stay tuned and let's see what God has in store as I say "Yes!"  

Until We Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl

Exposed!

Rain pellets my face as I slosh my way across the camp.  It is cold, penetrating, and just plain nasty.   I use my braille skills to find my way to my assigned cabin. The darkness of this intensely uninviting night is making me have second thoughts about what I have agreed to.  My cabin mates are already tucked in and asleep.  Feeling optionless, I drop my coat on a chair and slide into my sleeping bag.  

Sleep is no where near.  I have a funny feeling that it is not planning to visit me either.  1:45 AM, my eyes refuse to close.  2:55 AM, I am still staring at the ceiling, counting the boards and wondering if any spiders are planning to descend on me.  My mind is as blank as an old black chalkboard in July.  4:17 AM I am trying to remember my outline.  5:30 AM the panic is starting to rise in my heart.  I am expected to speak to these ladies in just a few hours.  I have done my homework.  I have prepared, but I am blank.  6:40 AM I give up and unzip the sleeping and slide into my clothes.  There will not be any shower this morning.  Daylight is just starting to peek in.  

9:30 AM the women are gathering.  My heart  pleads with the Lord to use these moments for His purposes.  All I have to offer are my simple words that form my story.  The story of His grace and mercy generously poured out on me, a sinner. It will require exposure.  It will require authenticity. 

I stand alone in the starkness of the camp bathroom stall.  Whispering my worship, I am aware that He is standing here with me.   I am not alone.  I surrender my words and ask Him to use them for His purposes. Finishing up my private moments with my Abba, I deeply inhale and feel the moist frozen air rushing in from a cracked window.  Suddenly, my feet are moving in a slow cadence to where my story will now be told.  My audience will be these unknown fellow sojourners. 

Taking my place at the front, I turn my face toward these precious ladies. I slowly rotate my gaze from face-to-face, pausing to study their eyes. My heart is taken with the vastness of their pain and feelings of loneliness.  I silently ask the Lord to allow my heart to be exposed, knowing that my flesh WILL be uncomfortable.  

I hear the words gathering in my heart, the Lord is precisely piecing them together to be released for these daughters of His.  I barely glance at my outline and invite them to enter into prayer with me.  

I speak of my journey.  I speak of my shattered dreams.  I speak of the dark abyss.  I am vaguely aware of the clear liquid sliding down my checks. I continue.  My eyes are looking deep into their hearts and seeing their struggle; their pain; their need to surrender control and lay it at His feet. Their need to know that they are not alone.  Their need to experience His love and grace.  I speak of His amazing love poured out on me in my darkest hours.  I speak of learning how to stay facing Him when everything else is shattered.  I hear my voice, and know that these moments are sacred.  I see one sojourner silently  overcome with the realization of just how much she is loved by her creator. I observe another one take her neighbor's hand and wipe the tears that are cascading.  One gentle soul rises to hand me a tissue.  I am grateful.  An hour has elapsed. I know that my Father has woven our hearts together and brought hope, healing, and  His light.

If your heart is broken and you find yourself in the darkest abyss, just whisper His name.  He is there. Put your hands out and call out to Him.  He is waiting for you to surrender.  Then, promise me that you will call another sojourner and ask them to walk with you.  It is okay to be authentic and real. Life is hard and messy.  We are called to love each other and walk with each other through life.

Here is my hand, please take it.  I would love to pray for you.  If you prefer not to share in a public format, please e-mail me at: theplankeyedgirl@gmail.com

Until We Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl
  

Roses, Daisies, and .... Sea Kelp?

"She with strong, gentle hands", pauses and carefully yet purposefully, poses a question, "What flower are you?" She does not wait long to tell me of others and their flower choice.  In excellent, vivid detail, she describes the characteristics of roses - fragrant, fragile, and prickly; daisies - bendable, open, and strong; tulips - colorful; temperamental; and closed.  I lay there as she continues working on my neck. I savor these moments!  Time seems to silently slip by.  

Hearing her slow steadily inhale, I wait for what will come next.  Peaceful nothingness fills the room.  Like a new mom, carefully holding her new offspring, "She with strong, gentle hands" carefully allows the words to softly glide from her lips, "You are a piece of Sea Kelp."  

A cozy, odd silence fills the room.  Inside my soul a giggle is about to bubble up and out.  In all my days, I would've NEVER thought of myself as a piece of sea kelp. A mermaid....possibly, but....sea kelp?   Allowing this statement to hang in the air, I close my eyes and swirl this image around in my head.  Hum...Sea Kelp.  "She with strong, gentle hands" says nothing else.  Vivid images of slimy, green upside down vines, swaying with the push and pull of the waves dances across my minds eye. A skittering thought interrupts these images and a smirk crawls across my face.  I have always loved the feeling of being encased by water.  Some beings panic at this feeling.  For moi, it is an instant sense of peace and exhilaration.  Hum....but, "sea kelp"?

Slowly, methodically, I mentally swim to the surface and in a whisper mutter, "Why sea kelp?" With a soft smile and dancing eyes "She with strong, gentle hands" says, "It is a good thing."  I am perplexed.  Clearly, this was not on my radar.  

More quietness. She faintly releases the words - whimsical, free-flowing, strong, anchored, shelter, nourishing. I say nothing but allow my eyes to slid shut.   He is speaking to my heart.  

Often He surprises me.  Who would've thought...."Sea Kelp".  I LOVE how well He knows me.  He had to put me on a massage table, in a dimly lit room, with only a blanket, get me to hear His loving words to me - You are MY "Sea Kelp".  

As you journey through this gift of today, consider stopping and being still for five minutes.  Take a breath that fills your entire being with the sweetness of atmosphere and listen for His voice calling you by name.

Until we Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl

Air Biscuits, Kindergartners, and Uncontrollable Giggles

They came skipping into the library.  Excited to be there.  I always anticipate their arrival.  But this morning was different, as they approached me one little guy wrapped his arms around me and with his big brown eyes looked up into mine and proclaimed, "I Love You!"  Next thing I knew, there was a spontaneous group hug with all twenty two of them. All order was gone.  Laughter was filling up the room and in all honesty, I didn't care. As things just started to settle down, one of them let out a loud "air biscuit" and uncontrollable giggles exploded through the crowd of five year olds and one fifty-one year old. Truly, the timing could not have been more perfect. Sometimes in life, you just need to let things unfold and savor the delightfulness of it.

Slowly, I came to consciousness this morning.  The rays of sun slipped in through the blinds and danced on my face.  What a precious welcome to this day! A stream of words began to weave themselves together as they floated through my head.  After all the events of yesterday, I found myself replaying this scene with my five year old friends over and over.  The laughter.  The innocence.  The abandonment.  The joy.  The spontaneity. What enjoyable, heart-filling moments!  

Continuing to lay, cocooned under my white down comforter, my thoughts seemed to slow down to a waltzing speed.  The waltzing tempo is just simply calmer and more satisfying to engage in.  I long for this tempo because it is sustainable and trackable.  In a waltz, I can feel the cadence of the my thoughts.  I can follow them from their origin. I can engage with them down different paths to a variety of conclusions.  The waltz makes it much easier to know what is truly going on in my head.  

As the sun continued penetrating the cold of the bedroom and sufficiently warmed my face, I became ultra aware that I was not dancing with these thoughts alone.  I was being observed by my maker.  He was watching, smiling, and listening.  I turned my face fully into the sun and whispered, "I Love You".  

May you take some moments to waltz with your maker today as you enjoy the gift of all this day will hold.

Until we Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl
  

   

Medicinal Pole Dancing

It stands there with life-giving fluids attached to "it" and "it" attached to my beloved.  I am grateful for "it".  However last night, after several times of unplugging "it" from the wall and allowing my beloved to use the facility or take a walk, I realized that all his tubing was twisted and entangled around the pole.  This required  my beloved learning some "new" moves.  Thus, was born the "Medicinal Pole Dance".  I wish you could have seen it.  Talk about making you laugh until you are gasping for air.  Watching my beloved, in a hospital gown, trying to untangle himself was hilarious.  We were both undone with fits of laughter to the point that the nurse had to come by to make sure we were okay.

Evidently she thought that we had had enough fun, so she brought me the medical "bathing towelettes".  Now if you have never had the pleasure of using these, you are truly missing out. So, with this new exciting opportunity in front of me, I dove in with unnecessary fervor.  I proceeded to attempt to open the first packet (picture a rectangular, adult-proof package of baby wipes).  It took some maneuvering, but I eventually won and was able to retrieve what I believed was the "wipe".  As I took this blue, quite porous, warm sponge-like rectangle, I proceeded to wipe the first leg.  Well, let's just say that it did not go well.  My beloved started to complain about the roughness of it in a rather teasing manner. I just figured it was designed for a little  exfoliation of the skin before surgery.  So, as I was scrubbing away on his leg, the nurse looked in.  I wish you could've seen the look on her face. It was truly priceless.  She pointed out that I should look further in the package.  So, with a snarky sigh, I used my catlike glance to peek in.  Well,  what did I see, but a SOFT, pliable, warm, thick, wet wipe.  We started laughing so hard that once again, the nurse stuck her head in.  Yikes!  I am obviously NOT the person you want to tend to you when you are sick OR...maybe I am?

Tonight, I am grateful for the shared laughter. Tonight, as I journey home, alone into the foggy, dark night, the sound of his deep laughter will reside in my heart, I will carry it to our bedroom, where I will allow it to play on auto loop until fall asleep.  Tonight, I will thank my God for the gift of these indelible moments.

Yes, God is good ALL the time to this Plank-
Eyed girl.

Blessings!
~The Plank-Eyed Girl

Naked, Gnarled, and Beautiful

Naked, Gnarled, and Beautiful

     A feeling of warmth and panic rose simultaneously as the Humble One’s words floated to my ears.  She had posed a question that I desperately wanted to answer “yes” to, but instead there was silence.  Moments slipped by.  The sun was just starting to warm the earth after a long, gray Spring.  My skin was beginning to warm under the bright rays as I sat there bare-legged and shoeless.  The plastic smell of the new cushions slowly filled my head.  Suddenly, realizing that moments were lapsing, I turned my eyes to hers.  I realized she was waiting patiently for my response.  Turning my eyes away, I heard myself answer, “Okay.  Are you sure you want to do this?”  She didn’t wait for my questioning.  Instantly, she sprang up and bounded toward the house.

     Moments turned into minutes as I waited for her return.  My thoughts were racing all over the inside of my heart.  “Something has changed in me.  A year ago, I would’ve really wanted to say “Yes, please” but I would’ve ended up declining this gift being offered to me through the hands of the gentle one.  Today though, I was able to barely whisper a quiet, simple “Okay”. 

     Behind me the backdoor squeaks open, then slams.  The Humble One emerges carrying a metal tub of fresh, warm water; lavender oil; and two carefully rolled white towels.  I feel myself relax. My ears take in an slight sigh, but she does not notice.  She folds herself down onto the grass, as agile as a young fawn and I place my dusty, twisted, red toe-nailed feet into the water.  The sacredness of this moment races directly to my soul.  She reaches into the tub and gently takes one of them in her hands.  As she begins washing and massaging my foot, her words are barely audible to my human ears, but seem to be coming through a loudspeaker in my heart.  Her words are beautifully strung together and seem to rise directly from the depths of her being straight to Abba’s ears.  She is speaking to her Father and I am aware that this is an unexpected gift that will leave an indelible mark on my heart forever.  As I breathe in, I can feel a warmth rising inside of me.  The panic is gone.  I am grateful for growth and the Humble One’s patience for my answer.

     Thank you Lord for the gift of this Humble One and her hands of grace and mercy being used by you, to touch a girl like me.

 

~The Plank-Eyed Girl