Confessions of a Mother's Day Runaway

Deliciousful sun syrup, gently warms my softish caramel-colored cheeks.  Willing my eyes to remain closed, I inhale and hold the freshness of this new day inside me.  I drink deeply  of the newness.  I am safely tucked in the folds of my covers, my safe place. All is well and I am savoring these moments. 

Slowly my mind wakes.  Like a butterfly emerging from it's cocoon, I am orienting to this day in a slow manner, squeezing each thought fully awake.  A sudden awareness breaks in,   like a tsunami that has pulled back and then destroyed everything in its path,  I realize what day it is. The peace that I was savoring has simply vanished!  There will be no retrieval of what moments ago was a beautiful day. 

Mother's Day!  UGH!!!! Why does Hallmark have to ruin this otherwise wonderful day?  Pulling the candy apple red fleece blanket up over my head,  I wrestle with myself.  It is an ugly battle that gets more intense with every passing moment.  It is a battle that I am not a stranger to.  I lay here realizing that all holidays seem to bring this destructive, crushing feeling that is overwhelming and causes me to want to runaway.  I whisper this declaration, "I am not participating!" 

An hour has slipped by, I lay stone still fighting the tears.  Whisper yelling at God, I rasp out, "WHY am I like this?  WHY do all holidays make me crazy like this? WHY does everything in me want to runaway?"  Thirty more minutes tick by.   I can feel my body starting to relax.  The Mr. quietly tiptoes into the room.  I feel an odd comfort that he knows the struggle of these types days for me. Perching on the side of the bed, he quietly asks, "What shall we do today?"  How could I not pull the covers off my face and answer the man who has tolerated, loved, and given himself for me? Tentatively, I squeak out, "Starbucks and flowers for the window boxes?"  A silly grin creeps across his face, and he turns to leave, giving me the space and time I need to gather myself together.  For him, I will not run.  For him, I will mentally try to reframe the day.  

Three hours, and a couple of trenta iced teas later, the Mr. and I are planting flowers.  It is in this moment I realize why these societally imposed holidays are so difficult for me.  It is simple.  I feel they are fake.  EVERYTHING inside of me does not do well with "fake".  I live with such a deep zest and love for life; my family; and my friends that I detest the fakeness of all the hullabaloo!  It seems so inauthentic to my heart.  

As the day continues, I hear the Lover of My Heart whispering, "I made you this way.  Your heart is for authenticity.  Your heart is for real.  Embrace this piece of you.  Hallmark is a vehicle for others to get to real and authentic."  Then he posed the question that stopped me, "Isn't one time a year celebrating these type of things, better than none?" UGH!!!  I feel the truth of His words split my plank-eyed heart wide open.  "Yes, both are good," I whisper.    

Tonight as I slip in between the sheets of my safe place, my heart is thankful for the gift of understanding.  May you discover the understanding that your heart craves for the things that make you want to run away.

Until we Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl

*Just for the record, these feeling have nothing to do with the mother that are in my life or my own daughter. These women are all incredible and they are very gracious and understanding with me on these days.  

Roses, Daisies, and .... Sea Kelp?

"She with strong, gentle hands", pauses and carefully yet purposefully, poses a question, "What flower are you?" She does not wait long to tell me of others and their flower choice.  In excellent, vivid detail, she describes the characteristics of roses - fragrant, fragile, and prickly; daisies - bendable, open, and strong; tulips - colorful; temperamental; and closed.  I lay there as she continues working on my neck. I savor these moments!  Time seems to silently slip by.  

Hearing her slow steadily inhale, I wait for what will come next.  Peaceful nothingness fills the room.  Like a new mom, carefully holding her new offspring, "She with strong, gentle hands" carefully allows the words to softly glide from her lips, "You are a piece of Sea Kelp."  

A cozy, odd silence fills the room.  Inside my soul a giggle is about to bubble up and out.  In all my days, I would've NEVER thought of myself as a piece of sea kelp. A mermaid....possibly, but....sea kelp?   Allowing this statement to hang in the air, I close my eyes and swirl this image around in my head.  Hum...Sea Kelp.  "She with strong, gentle hands" says nothing else.  Vivid images of slimy, green upside down vines, swaying with the push and pull of the waves dances across my minds eye. A skittering thought interrupts these images and a smirk crawls across my face.  I have always loved the feeling of being encased by water.  Some beings panic at this feeling.  For moi, it is an instant sense of peace and exhilaration.  Hum....but, "sea kelp"?

Slowly, methodically, I mentally swim to the surface and in a whisper mutter, "Why sea kelp?" With a soft smile and dancing eyes "She with strong, gentle hands" says, "It is a good thing."  I am perplexed.  Clearly, this was not on my radar.  

More quietness. She faintly releases the words - whimsical, free-flowing, strong, anchored, shelter, nourishing. I say nothing but allow my eyes to slid shut.   He is speaking to my heart.  

Often He surprises me.  Who would've thought...."Sea Kelp".  I LOVE how well He knows me.  He had to put me on a massage table, in a dimly lit room, with only a blanket, get me to hear His loving words to me - You are MY "Sea Kelp".  

As you journey through this gift of today, consider stopping and being still for five minutes.  Take a breath that fills your entire being with the sweetness of atmosphere and listen for His voice calling you by name.

Until we Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl

Crazy Crossroads

Confusion swirled around me.  I could feel the suffocation slowly creeping up my throat.  It was an unfamiliar place.  I tried to re-frame this moment.  I tried to rationally think back to other crossroads I have stood at.  I tried to make sense of the choices in front of me.  I tried to clarify what life would look like on each of these different roads. 

I was paralyzed.  None of the choices seemed to make any sense.  None of the choices seemed to be better than the other.  Even the choice to do nothing but stand there was a choice.  I felt the Lord directing me, pulling me toward the least likely of the choices.  It seemed insane, but I could not deny the voice of the Lord.

Crossroads are crazy places.  When you glance each way, you really can only  see so far and then you have to trust.  Sometimes crossroads occur out of nowhere.  You are skipping along and BAM!  Truth be told, I always get slightly angry when this happens.  My thoughts usually run something like, "WHAT?  Who has the right to put one of these in my path?"  Honestly, someone is probably just trying to keep me safe, but I am short sighted and bent on my own ways.

I have to wonder what Noah was thinking when God told Him to build an ark.  This was a divinely placed crossroads in his life.  Was he confused?  He had to be thinking, "God, are you crazy? Rain...what is rain?  A what? For what?  Are you serious?  You want me to live in this boat with all these animal AND my family?"  Noah had clearly heard the Lord.  So regardless of his doubts and fears, he turned at this crossroads and obediently walked down the path God asked him to.  He built the ark and aren't we glad he did?  

This past summer I realized I was standing at a crossroads.  To be honest, it torqued me off.  I had been skipping along, having a marvelous time on the Big Island when....BAM!  There it was, directly in front of me.  An unexpected crossroads. He was asking me to send "MY" personal, extensive

collection of children's literature to the Sideras

International school in India.  I wish I could tell you that I just said, "Well Lord, of course."  But I would be lying.  I spent several days presenting my case to Him and finding lame excuses.  Finally, I rather meekly whispered, "Okay."  I didn't understand, but I did know that I had heard Him.  Upon my return home, I started packing up the books to send.  

Currently, I am still in the process of packaging and sending them.  It is expensive, even at book rate. Therefore, I am raising funds to get them there and into the hands of these precious Indian children. I am finding that this "choice" is costing me time and money.  It is also costing me a dream. I had always thought I would write and publish children's picture books.  Evidently, God has another plan and just like Noah, even though it makes no sense, I choose to walk in obedience.

Sometimes we have to let go of things that we think are important to who we are and what we do so that God can do something bigger.  Are you at a crossroads with Him whispering to you?  Follow His voice, you won't be sorry.

I am Journeying With You,
~The Plank-Eyed Girl

FB Life Versus Authenticity

FB Life versus Authenticity

Frustration mounted.  My head started to pound. My stomach started to swirl.  I wanted to pick up the phone and back out of the commitment I had agreed to.  At the least, I desperately wanted to take the easy way out and speak to an easier topic.  I was coming up empty handed with how to address the topic I was asked to speak to.  

So....I did what any other person would do.  I opened my ipad and started perusing FB (Facebook).  Normally, I enjoy these peeks into others lives. I delight in being able to stay connected through words and photos. However, today I seemed to be ultra aware that all these lives seemed "perfect".  Pictures were of people having fun.  Everyone seemed to be smiling and enjoying life.  It made me a titch crazy.   

Closing my ipad and continuing my wrestling practice with the impending topic, I glanced at the clock.  Yikes!  Only 14 hours and I would need to have something solidified.  Once again, my mind started to run for the door.  As it was rapidly reviewing my "valid" excuse list, something whispered to my heart, "Don't run.  I will give you strength and words."  If I chose, relief could be only a phone call away.  Ugh!  Why did I believe I was strong enough emotionally to do this? Deciding not to make the call I dropped into bed.  

Throughout the night, I flopped like a fish.  Odd dreams coursed through my head.  As morning neared, panic was rising, like a ravenous dog chasing a meaty bone. It was slowly suffocating any hope that I had of saying anything intelligent.  Desperately, I called out to my Father asking for just a tidbit of direction for this assignment.  As the first light of morning peaked through the window, I finally gave up. Struggling to my feet, I got myself up.  Grabbing something comfortable, I dressed and headed out the door to my local coffee shop. Maybe a change of scenery would release something.

Retrieving my nourishment and liquid, I found a table in the corner.  Settling in, I heard my Father's ever gentle whisper.  Inhaling and exhaling, relief washed over my mind and I audibly giggled. Catching myself giggling only made me smirk more.  I am such a silly plank-eyed girl.  Of course, He would show up and deliver.  When will I learn this lesson?  He NEVER abandons me and He ALWAYS comes through.  

Perched on my chair and sipping my lovely beverage; I let my fingers fly over the keyboard and bring to life the words He was speaking to my heart.  Words to His precious daughters. Words of authenticity.  Words of  struggle.  Words of  hope. Words that will allow my fellow sojourners to realize that they are not alone and we are all traveling together.

What is the Lord asking you to do that you are hesitant to accept?  Growth begins at the end of our comfort zones.  Why not accept the offer of His help and step out, trusting that He will provide everything you need to accomplish what He is asking you to do.  

Here is my hand friend, take it and together we will walk.   

Until we Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl

If you would like to share what the Lord is asking you to do, please either leave me a message or e-mail me at:  theplankeyedgirl@gmail.com 

Toplessness and Little Sisters

Going topless is always my preferred mode for driving.  Ever since my Mr. brought my little black thing home, I have enjoyed the freedom of zipping along without a covering.  It is a small fix for my inexplicable need to fly.  As the wind courses and swirls around me, it increases my ability to breath and process life.

Monday evening had a hint of Fall coolness in the air, it was no different from any other evening other than my heart was feeling squished.  I decided to go topless, so I jumped in the Miata, revved up the pistons and headed out to another meeting.  As I sped along the nicely curvy, slightly changing, tree-lined road, my heart was asking my Father to show up tonight at this meeting.  (Okay, truth be told, I was more like loudly pleading and pounding on the steering wheel.  I was being selfish because He is always with me, but I just really wanted to have Him make himself evident.) 

Arriving at the meeting, I slid in, grabbed a water and engaged in the cultural chit chat.  The meeting commenced and throughout it, I wrestled with an extremely strong, internal dialogue which questioned why I was there and told me I had "nothing" to contribute. You know, sometimes you just have to put yourself on the wall and have a talk with yourself, which is what I was attempting, but it was not getting me anywhere.  Thankfully, during the meeting, no one called on me for any kind of coherent answer, due to the fact that I was having my own party in my head.  As the meeting concluded, I thanked the hostess and made my escape out the front door.  

Sauntering down the driveway, I had the company of one of my little sisters. (I baby sat her when I was a teenager and our parents are best friends still.)  Standing out on the road, we paused and she looked me in the eyes and said, "I don't know why I am feeling compelled to share this with you, but I am."  I conversed with her over the course of the next hourish.  She spoke of the last three weeks and miracle, after miracle, after miracle of our Father's provisions for their family.  She spoke of how her faith has increased and her ability to hear His voice. She told of her immense gratefulness for so many things she used to take for granted.  She explained how her heart had been permanently changed.  Her stories made my heart dance and my eyes leak.  Her stories re-inflated this soul.  

Thank you, my precious little sister, for allowing me to hear and see God working right here and inside of you and your family.  

Sometimes one needs to go topless to re-inflate, other times, one just needs a sister to stand under the stars with and recount how God is working. 

Until we Chat Again,

The Plank-Eyed Girl

Swimming in a Fish Bowl

Weightlessness is always a delightful sensation.  There are only two places on this earth where I have experienced this feeling, in the ocean and in a flight tunnel.  Today I found myself thoroughly enjoying this adventure again in the warm waters off the coast of the Big Island.  There is nothing like wading into the warm bath water of the Pacific.  

As I floated in this part of God's amazing fishbowl, I got to experience an entirely different world.   My body was adorned with extensions. These apparatuses allowed me unnatural abilities to share some moments of this day with creatures that live in a world usually unavailable to me.  .  

As a vast variety of colorful creatures darted around me, I just couldn't help but thank my Father for this opportunity.  The beauty was stunning.  I was mesmerized by everything I saw.  I was unaware that I was slowly being lulled to a place of peace and complacency by the beauty and the rhythmic dance of the waves.  I was completely unaware of any danger.  

Any of you that have swam in an ocean know that there are real dangers at every turn, sharks, currents, sea urchins (these little boogers are beautiful and painful if touched or stepped on), coral, jagged lava, and many other things.  The worst possible thing you could do is be lulled to a place of complacency.  If you allow this to happen, you could literally lose your life.  

As I made my way back to shore and laid myself out on the warm deliciousful sand, it felt good to be back on familiar soil.  I started to doze off as I was conversing with my Father and complimenting Him on the fine job He did when He created the oceans. That is when it dawned on me, I am not only an alien in the underwater world, I am an alien on this entire planet. Just like there are unseen, but extremely real dangers that can take my physical life in the beautiful ocean, there are also daily dangers that can take my eternal life.  I am so easily lulled and sedated into a place of complacency by the things of this world. Things that are enticing and exciting for the moment.  Things that have no lasting value.  Things that have the potential to destroy my soul. Things that help the plank in my eye to become larger. Sometimes my self-deception is just down right deafening to my heart.  My ability to justify my actions (or lack of) and delay my obedience to my Father's requests is damaging to my own heart.  In fact, just this week, a speaker spoke on obedience when God asks for physical things that you own.  I, of course in my own self-deceived way, just thought, "Lord, you can have anything I've got.  There is nothing I would hold onto."  I am sure He was smiling and thinking, "Well, she doesn't know what I am about to ask her to give me."  A day later, as I was drying dishes and conversing with Mr. O, he was telling me about his school in India.  Out of my mouth pops, "Does it have a library?"  (I hate it when my mouth says things without consulting with my brain or my heart.)  Anyway, he looks at me, smirks and simply states, "Yes, but it is empty and locked."  Instantly,  my heart was split open and I heard the Lord whisper, "Give him some of your books."  As most of you know, I have connections with Global Book Club (we collect used children's books and ship to Third World countries, as well as put libraries in for them) and my first thought was, "Well, I can get some books from there and give them to Paul to take."  Instantly, I knew that this was not what the Lord had asked of me.  So.....I tried again, (Man, I am naughty) thinking that I would go purchase some from a used book place and give him those.  That didn't seem to settle in my heart either.  So, my mind raced on.  I thought well, I have a bunch of teacher friends I could ask to donate.  My heart was miserable.  These negotiations were futile.   Finally, I just surrendered and agreed to take some of "my" personal, beautiful picture books out of my studio and give them to Mr. O to take to these precious children and teachers at his school in India.  Once I surrendered in complete obedience, I realized that His ways are not of this earth.  I truly am an alien in a foreign land.  Lord, help this plank-eyed girl not be lulled to sleep in this foreign land.

Until we chat again,

The Plank-Eyed Girl